There are times when I try to speak more openly about my dealings with anxiety, and whether it be through a social media platform or just a casual discussion with a friend, it's not uncommon for someone to claim they have it, too. Though sometimes, I wonder if they really know what a more extreme version of anxiety
(anxiety disorder) looks or feels like and if they know what it's like to deal with such a thing on a daily basis.
Hello there everyone, thanks for checking in with me! Today is December 4th and as I continue on with this blog I'm learning how to touch on the more serious topics in this world, and be more open about the things I experience throughout my everyday life, one of them being
anxiety. It's a word I find gets thrown around very casually, without any real thought behind it. I can't tell you how many times I've read a post on social media with someone saying they have intense anxiety over something such as,
getting their nails painted a different color. Ending their sentence with a "lol" as they move along, happily enjoying their day. And while I try my best not to dismiss others and their feelings, I can't help but feel that they don't have the best understanding of the word, and perhaps they don't even realize it.
Anxiety for me comes in many different forms. I believe we all experience stress and worry in certain situations, but for me, anxiety exists in mostly the little things, the little things I've done a million times before and still cannot seem to get used to. A few examples of this are, nervousness when paying for my items at the register. I'll stand in fear of not having the right amount of money for my items, even though I've counted it continuously for a numerous amount of time. I fear I'll say something silly to the cashier and embarrass myself, or that my debit card won't take for reasons unknown. Occasionally I'll have issues explaining my order to an impatient waiter, getting flustered to the point where I don't know what to say or do. Even something as simple as entering a low-pressure conversation with a new person can sometimes send several different fears and doubts soaring throughout my mind.
What makes all of it so daunting is that I always have this nagging feeling that all eyes are on me while I go through these situations. I feel as if everyone everywhere is watching my every move, silently judging them one by one. And with having that in the back of your head, it adds another element of difficulty as you try to complete these tasks. I know there have been plenty of times where I've felt this way and have ended up frozen in fear, unable to perform under the pressure of those around me, even if that pressure doesn't exist anywhere but in my own mind.
These things are hard for me, and unfortunately, those are just a few of the scenarios that can cause me to break out into a cold sweat. Living life this way isn't easy, you have to constantly take deep breaths and remind yourself that you've done these things before, and the worst thing that can happen is you end up slightly embarrassed by one of your actions. You have to muster up all of your courage just to accomplish a simple task that the average person wouldn't even bat an eye at, and I feel envious of those who can do so with such ease, it's exhausting. Mentally and physically. Now, there have been moments where I've been able to push myself through these things a little easier than others, but the fear never truly goes away.
The thing with anxiety is that your mind is
always getting carried away. Creating the most ridiculous and crazy things that
could possibly happen, even if the odds are one in a million. I'm always jumping to conclusions, talking myself out of things, repeating "I can't do it." in my head over and over...It hardly ever stops. All of those doubts and fears are always there, swirling through your mind and building up one on top of the other until one day, you can't hold it in anymore. Thankfully, I've learned to cope with my anxiety enough that I don't have these very often anymore, but panic attacks are by far the worst part of dealing with this issue.
In case you're someone who has never experienced such an attack, here are some of the symptoms you can experience, to get an idea of how terrible it can feel;
- Racing heart
- Weak or faint feeling
- Sense of terror
- Tingling or numbness in hands and fingers
- Feeling sweaty or experiencing chills
- Breathing difficulties
As previously stated, those are just some of the things you could experience while having a panic attack. Listed above, were all things that I have experienced in the past before learning to live with an anxiety disorder, and thankfully, I was able to do that before things worsened.
Having an anxiety disorder without a doubt makes going through life more than a little difficult at times. I know on occasion I feel so much weaker than others. Much more afraid of taking risks and living life the way I'd like to. But, the truth is, having this kind of disorder doesn't make you weak. In fact, it makes you incredibly strong. Because with all you've accomplished, you've accomplished them through fear, doubt, worry, and anxiousness. Which should fill you up with a strong sense of pride.
I try not to consider having this disorder as something that I should be ashamed of, but rather proud of as I feel it makes all of my successes seem that much more impressive. This is not a weakness. I'm not weak, and
you're not weak. The only thing that could ever make us appear that way, is if we surrender to those thoughts we have and stop giving life our all. If you are someone who deals with things similar to what I have mentioned in this article, please do not hesitate to reach out to someone. Talk to a family member, contact a friend, send a message to me. There are a lot of people in this world, someone out there
will understand.
As always, thank you all for taking a moment out of your day to spend some time with me. I hope that you all are in good health mentally and physically, and are living very happy and blessed lives. Thank you for reading! Until next time.
