Discovering The Source of Anxiety

Anxiety is most definitely something we all find ourselves dealing with to some degree, but when the anxiousness starts to become overwhelming, gradually growing to the point where your every thought turns into a worry and your life is being taken over by constant fear and doubt, how do you take care of the situation? How do you take care of yourself? How can you make a change? Truth is, those are still things that I'm still figuring out. 

"It seems like there are so many things I need to correct in my life, so many things I need to improve on, that I'm just not sure where I need to start first."


Since the launch of When The Wild Things Grow back in November, I've made an effort to speak out about a topic I'm incredibly passionate about, mental health. More specifically, I've made an effort to speak out on anxiety, an issue I find myself dealing with quite frequently throughout my daily life and as of late, the past month or so, I've been dealing with some issues that I've considered to be worse than the usual.

Last night I grabbed my old journal that I purchased back in August of last year. I hadn't journaled in a while, with the way I've been feeling, I haven't really had the energy for it. I began flipping through some of the older entries, admiring all of the beautiful pages I had created in the beginning, but as I continued to glance through, the pages became more sporadic. Some were left unfinished, with blank pages in between, and some were almost blank with no decoration, just long paragraphs in the form of frustrated scribbles...But there was one, in particular, that caught my attention. 

This entry was from late October, a few weeks after my twenty-first birthday. The first page was covered in a piece of ripped scrapbook paper, with a sticker stuck down in the middle of it that read "Life is fragile, handle it with prayer." and on the other side, was a full page I had written about how terrible I was feeling about myself in the previous weeks. I described how I felt lost in my newly found adulthood, I described how I felt like I hadn't found my purpose in this world and spoke about how I was beginning to become doubtful that I had any real reason for being on this planet, to begin with. Not only did I describe my emotions and all of the fears I had inside me at the time, I also described exactly how I've been feeling this year, down to every little detail.

As I sat back in my desk chair silently pondering what I had read, the words suddenly managed to hit me like a stiff punch to the gut. "Have I made no changes in my life? No real improvements from the time I wrote this?" I thought to myself. "Surely I've had to, right?" The more I thought about it, the more I realized I hadn't made much of an effort to change how I'd been feeling, somehow I got stuck in this bubble of insecurity and self-pity with seemingly no way out and after thinking about my situation for roughly twenty minutes straight, I had finally came to the conclusion of why that was.

What seems to be causing the most anxiety for me at this stage in my life has been two things, my "Atychiphobia" which is much more commonly known as the fear of failure and then, the very idea of growing up and becoming an adult. The two, unfortunately, go hand in hand. I've been so afraid of adulthood because, for the majority of my life, I've deemed myself incapable of almost everything and anything. Confidence has never come easily for me, between learning disabilities and lack of self-esteem, I've found myself completely unwilling to try new things, terrified of receiving confirmation of what I already feel is true, "I just can't do it." I absolutely hate to admit that I do this, I hate even more to admit the fact that what once was a little self-esteem issue, has now become a terrible problem in my adult life.

Truth is, I'm somewhat relieved to have discovered the source of where all this anxiety has been coming from, but at the same time, it's going to lead to the very stressful first step of figuring out what I need to be doing about it. I feel so overwhelmed at this point, it seems like there are so many things I need to correct in my life, so many things I need to improve on, that I'm just not sure where I need to start first.

If you would have told me, that roughly two weeks after writing the above, I would be feeling the happiest I've ever been, I'd have thought you were crazy. But, fortunately, it's true! Sometimes it's easy to forget, that so much can change in such a short amount of time. I've spoken about this throughout social media in the past, but I have been working for a cleaning company as my day job and since yesterday, my cleaning-partner and I finished up working at a very large office building that was beginning to be a little too much for us to handle, and were able to replace our time there with a much smaller building accompanied by a slight increase in pay.

With that blessing, I'm also in the process of obtaining the first cleaning job that I will be doing solo, two nights a week. I'll miss having my cleaning-partner during those nights, but I feel this is a solid step in the right direction for me, beginning to feel more like an actual adult and with feeling a little more secure finically, I'll be able to put my focus on one of my biggest goals this year, learning to drive...More on that in the future!

If you were able to relate to the problems I had been dealing with in some way, be sure to take a moment to share this article with some other women who may be in need of some encouragement! Also, feel free to follow me on social media to stay up to date on future blog posts. I absolutely love chatting and making new friends, so don't be afraid to reach out! What has been your biggest source of anxiety?

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE THIS ARTICLE ON: 10 Things That Calm My Anxiety

10 Things That Calm My Anxiety

A close friend of mine who also battles issues with anxiety, recently had asked me during a conversation we were having, "What do you do before, or during an anxiety attack to make it pass?" which got me thinking that it could be a good idea to share what calms me down with others, in hopes that they can try a few of these solutions, too!

"My anxiety will always be apart of my life, but that doesn't mean I'll simply allow it to control me."

Ever since the publishing of my very first article on the topic of anxiety disorder and mental health back in early December of 2017, I have felt incredibly encouraged by my lovely readers to continue on speaking out about my own story and sharing my experiences in a more positive light. A light that could potentially help others who are dealing with similar situations as I am. 

I very much want to continue on with that, which is what has lead me to create this list of ten things that calm my anxiousness, because I think it's important that we all keep track of what relaxes us, or occupies our minds during those more difficult moments. These are some things that really work for me and have contributed to keeping my sanity intact. I hope you all will enjoy!  

disclaimer: I am most definitely not a professional by any means, nor do I claim to be. I'm just sharing with you a few things that help me feel better when anxiety and panic are trying desperately to make their presence known, and hopefully, you'll see one of these things mentioned as worth a try for yourself.

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1. WATCHING TELEVISION SHOWS

So, I'm a complete and total television junkie. I can't get enough of my favorite shows and with my anxiety issues, they practically mean everything to me. Throughout the majority of my twenty-one years of life, my shows have become one of my greatest, go-to distractions from a troubled mind.

Being an aspiring writer and author myself, there's nothing that makes me happier than the idea of storytelling. Which means that things such as books, comics, movies, television shows, anything that tells a story, and allows me to feel transported to another place entirely, fascinates me. But, overall, a well-written TV series will forever and always, come at first place in my heart.

Sitting down in the living room, relaxing with a drink and a snack while watching an hour-long drama with my dear family, has always done a world of good when it comes to keeping my mind clear of troubling thoughts.

When I'm beginning to feel slightly overwhelmed, following along closely with a good show takes the focus off of anything negative that may be bothering me, and prevents me from dwelling on it any further, allowing myself something much happier that I can turn my full attention to, watching television is something so simple that most definitely helps calm my anxiety and keep things from worsening.

2. JOURNALING MY ANXIOUS THOUGHTS

It's been a blessing to have my own private little escape from the depths of reality. My journal has become a place where I can come forward, release my frustrations and let go of those pesky little things that would normally cast a shadow over my day, without feeling any judgment.

Writing my thoughts down in my journal has not only been a healthy way for me to express my emotions and clear my head, but it's also something I've found to be incredibly relaxing. I love sitting in my room, turning on some fun, uplifting music and writing down my feelings. In fact, the combination of music and journaling is one of my most commonly used cures for anxiousness.

note: I have a separate article you may be interested in, called "Why You Should Keep A Journal In 2018" where I've gone through and made a whole entire list of reasons why I think journaling could be beneficial to you, click here to check it out! 

3. READING DAILY DEVOTIONAL BOOKS 

Throwing myself right into the word of The Lord first thing in the morning and just before I hop into my bed at night is something that has helped prevent my anxiety from coming on in a more severe manner altogether. I've been using a daily devotional called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It's a short and sweet little read which makes it easy to keep up with, but when taken seriously, the lessons inside always seem to have a great impact on my day. 

I've really enjoyed having little devotionals such as the one mentioned, laying around to read when I'm feeling low. But mostly, I've found myself using a devotional more as a preventional step. I've been reading it even when I'm feeling fine to grow closer to God, and in the process what I'm learning about has helped me to prepare and learn how to respond properly when life isn't going my way and I start to feel my anxiety kick in. Since I've started this, I've been making great progress when it comes to figuring out how to handle my emotions, and as a Christian, it's great to have a constant reminder that I'm not alone by any means, I always have God with me. 

4. TALKING TO ONES WHO UNDERSTAND 

It's not always easy, finding people who are willing to listen and understand how you're feeling, but when you do, hang onto them. I have a small group of friends who also know the struggle of dealing with anxiety and when I'm really feeling down and in desperate need of someone to talk to, they're always there for me. 

I tend to gravitate to a select group of people who face those similar issues and challenges that I do because it's hard to explain to those who don't know what it's like, why I'm feeling the way that I am. When I try to describe how I'm feeling to someone who doesn't fully understand anxiety, I can't shake the feeling that I'm being judged throughout the conversation, which makes things even worse. It helps to find others like you, that remind you that you're not the only one in the world who is dealing with these problems.

5. WRITING ARTICLES ON THE TOPIC

Now I'll be honest here, these last couple of days haven't been very kind to me at all, in fact, they've actually kind of been kicking my butt. While I'm thankfully, not dealing with too much anxiety at this particular moment, it has been affecting me throughout the week, so much that I recently posted this tweet; 

What you've read there is a prime example of my love for writing, and more specifically at this time, blogging. When I'm feeling beaten down, I have the urge to help keep others from feeling the same way that I do, which usually results in putting all of my effort into future posts that associate with the challenges that I'm facing, and that's how this article you're reading now, came to be. 

This has been a fantastic way for me to cope and in the process, I've also discovered that I really enjoy taking my own experiences, my own thoughts, and feelings and using them to create something that could potentially help others. I'm very passionate about the importance of mental health, and I'd just like to use what I've been through to remind people that they're not alone, and spread the message that there are always possible fixes, solutions, and ways to cope.   

6. ART JOURNALING

I know, another form of journaling, pretty shocking right? This is a fun little hobby of mine that I just recently have taken up. Back in December of last year, my lovely grandmother Beverly (Hi, Grandma! 👋🏼) asked me to send her a list of things I would like for Christmas, and within that list, I sent her a set of watercolors and a pack of three watercolor brush pens, which she generously purchased for me. Ever since I've been keeping a separate journal with art I've been working on. Typically inspirational bible quotes with a little bit of doodling. 

Once again, it's all about having things to focus on that can distract me from the negative vibes I've been feeling. I'm no artist, so I really need to pay attention to what I'm doing in order to not screw everything up. But it's also really relaxing to turn on some music or a podcast and just paint away. 

7. LISTENING TO MUSIC OR PODCASTS

With this one, staying far away from anything that seems to be more on the depressing side is key. Whether it be some fairly sad music or a podcast that's covering a more serious topic, I don't want it. I'm already upset, I'm not looking to feel even worse than I did before. I need something that can lift me right back up onto my feet and give me the boost of energy I need to fight off those negative emotions. 

People are usually pretty surprised to hear me say that my favorite kind of music is rap and hip-hop...Why? I'm not entirely sure, they're so much fun! I can be particular about it though, listening to a lot of the more old-school groups such as Run DMC, Salt N' Pepa, and my personal favorites Beastie Boys and Vanilla Ice. (You can say what you'd like, you know the Ice Man is awesome.) I play their music constantly because it's impossible for me to feel sad or upset while I'm hearing their lyrics. 

As for Podcasts, I'm down for just about anything, but my current favorite is one called "WrestleRamble" which is basically just that, a show where two guys ramble on about wrestling, which I confessed in one of my more recent articles, that I love! I've been obsessed with wrestling since I was a kid, and while it's not always that great, I still really enjoy hearing about it and that has really helped me when times with my anxiety are tough. 

8. PRAYING FOR RELIEF 

Asking God for relief during my anxiety is an absolute must for me. While I totally understand that not all of us are Christians, this works for me personally as I'm someone who strongly believes in God and the power of prayer. There's nothing more relaxing than sitting down in a quiet space and taking a moment out of my day to release all of my frustrations in a place where I'm free and safe from harsh judgment, instead, I'm comforted and encouraged to continue on and be thankful for the good things in life. 

9. HANGING OUT WITH MY FAMILY

Hanging out and spending some much-needed quality time with the family is one of the most simplistic things that can bring oh-so-much joy into my life. It's the little things that make me happy, sitting around together for a quiet meal, going out shopping, or even just staying at home playing one of our favorite board games, it's always those short moments that end up providing us with some of our greatest memories, and there's nothing that can snap me out of a pity party like the love from my family.

10. TAKING CARE OF MY PUPPER

I had the honor of bringing my beautiful little dog, Miss Posey Mae home for the first time back in August of 2015, and ever since then, the two of us have had an incredible bond, and that bond between us had luckily come at a time where I needed it the most. 

In the beginning of that same year, I had been experiencing the worst anxiety of my entire life, I was going through a pretty rough patch, one that seemed to be lasting a lifetime. But, my mom helped me through a road to recovery, and time began to heal my wounds. I was working hard to grow closer to God, change my outlook and progress in becoming a happier person with each day that went by...But I still needed a distraction from negative thoughts and energy in order to continue on successfully, and that's when I had the incredible privilege of meeting a little white dog, known only at the time by the nickname of Mop.  

Both my mother and I tend to describe our now close to three-year-old Posey as a "little ray of sunshine" because she wakes up every morning bursting with energy and happiness, excited just to be alive and living yet another day, which is something we all could do a little more of ourselves. It's been a pleasure to wake up and take care of her every day and when I look at her darling little face, she just makes my heart happy.

She's the sweetest little creature in this entire world and has been one of the absolute biggest blessings in my life. Bringing her home has helped my anxiety improve in so many different ways. I mean, the Lord knows I still have my moments here and there, but between the support from my loving family, and the joy of being Posey's "Dog Mom" I haven't even come remotely close to spiraling out of control like I once did. 

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Those are just a few of the things that help me battle my anxiety disorder and nervousness. Throughout the years I've been trying my hardest to keep track of what helps me and I'll continue to do so. Anxiety will always be apart of my life, but that doesn't mean I'll simply allow it to control me.

I truly do hope that you were able to find at the very least, one of these things that were mentioned here helpful to you, and please remember, if you ever find you need someone to talk with, you can certainly reach out to me on social media because I'm always more than willing to talk or answer any questions you may have.

 With that being said, thank you for reading and have a wonderful start to your week!

What It's Like Living With Anxiety Disorder

There are times when I try to speak more openly about my dealings with anxiety, and whether it be through a social media platform or just a casual discussion with a friend, it's not uncommon for someone to claim they have it, too. Though sometimes, I wonder if they really know what a more extreme version of anxiety (anxiety disorder) looks or feels like and if they know what it's like to deal with such a thing on a daily basis.

Hello there everyone, thanks for checking in with me! Today is December 4th and as I continue on with this blog I'm learning how to touch on the more serious topics in this world, and be more open about the things I experience throughout my everyday life, one of them being anxiety. It's a word I find gets thrown around very casually, without any real thought behind it. I can't tell you how many times I've read a post on social media with someone saying they have intense anxiety over something such as, getting their nails painted a different color.  Ending their sentence with a "lol" as they move along, happily enjoying their day. And while I try my best not to dismiss others and their feelings, I can't help but feel that they don't have the best understanding of the word, and perhaps they don't even realize it.

Anxiety for me comes in many different forms. I believe we all experience stress and worry in certain situations, but for me, anxiety exists in mostly the little things, the little things I've done a million times before and still cannot seem to get used to. A few examples of this are, nervousness when paying for my items at the register. I'll stand in fear of not having the right amount of money for my items, even though I've counted it continuously for a numerous amount of time. I fear I'll say something silly to the cashier and embarrass myself, or that my debit card won't take for reasons unknown. Occasionally I'll have issues explaining my order to an impatient waiter, getting flustered to the point where I don't know what to say or do. Even something as simple as entering a low-pressure conversation with a new person can sometimes send several different fears and doubts soaring throughout my mind.

What makes all of it so daunting is that I always have this nagging feeling that all eyes are on me while I go through these situations. I feel as if everyone everywhere is watching my every move, silently judging them one by one. And with having that in the back of your head, it adds another element of difficulty as you try to complete these tasks. I know there have been plenty of times where I've felt this way and have ended up frozen in fear, unable to perform under the pressure of those around me, even if that pressure doesn't exist anywhere but in my own mind.

These things are hard for me, and unfortunately, those are just a few of the scenarios that can cause me to break out into a cold sweat. Living life this way isn't easy, you have to constantly take deep breaths and remind yourself that you've done these things before, and the worst thing that can happen is you end up slightly embarrassed by one of your actions. You have to muster up all of your courage just to accomplish a simple task that the average person wouldn't even bat an eye at, and I feel envious of those who can do so with such ease, it's exhausting. Mentally and physically. Now, there have been moments where I've been able to push myself through these things a little easier than others, but the fear never truly goes away.

The thing with anxiety is that your mind is always getting carried away. Creating the most ridiculous and crazy things that could possibly happen, even if the odds are one in a million. I'm always jumping to conclusions, talking myself out of things, repeating "I can't do it." in my head over and over...It hardly ever stops. All of those doubts and fears are always there, swirling through your mind and building up one on top of the other until one day, you can't hold it in anymore. Thankfully, I've learned to cope with my anxiety enough that I don't have these very often anymore, but panic attacks are by far the worst part of dealing with this issue.

In case you're someone who has never experienced such an attack, here are some of the symptoms you can experience, to get an idea of how terrible it can feel; 

- Racing heart 
- Weak or faint feeling 
- Sense of terror 
- Tingling or numbness in hands and fingers
- Feeling sweaty or experiencing chills 
- Breathing difficulties 

As previously stated, those are just some of the things you could experience while having a panic attack. Listed above, were all things that I have experienced in the past before learning to live with an anxiety disorder, and thankfully, I was able to do that before things worsened.

Having an anxiety disorder without a doubt makes going through life more than a little difficult at times. I know on occasion I feel so much weaker than others. Much more afraid of taking risks and living life the way I'd like to. But, the truth is, having this kind of disorder doesn't make you weak. In fact, it makes you incredibly strong. Because with all you've accomplished, you've accomplished them through fear, doubt, worry, and anxiousness. Which should fill you up with a strong sense of pride.

I try not to consider having this disorder as something that I should be ashamed of, but rather proud of as I feel it makes all of my successes seem that much more impressive. This is not a weakness. I'm not weak, and you're not weak. The only thing that could ever make us appear that way, is if we surrender to those thoughts we have and stop giving life our all. If you are someone who deals with things similar to what I have mentioned in this article, please do not hesitate to reach out to someone. Talk to a family member, contact a friend, send a message to me. There are a lot of people in this world, someone out there will understand.

As always, thank you all for taking a moment out of your day to spend some time with me. I hope that you all are in good health mentally and physically, and are living very happy and blessed lives. Thank you for reading! Until next time.